📺 AS SEEN ON TV     ⭐ 99.9% SUCCESS RATE     📞 CALL NOW: 1-800-GET-AZNS     🎓 GUARANTEED A+ OR YOUR MONEY BACK     🍜 AUTHENTIC RESTAURANT ACCESS INCLUDED     💼 TIGER MOM PREMIUM: +$49.99/MO     📺 AS SEEN ON TV     ⭐ 99.9% SUCCESS RATE     📞 CALL NOW: 1-800-GET-AZNS     🎓 GUARANTEED A+ OR YOUR MONEY BACK     🍜 AUTHENTIC RESTAURANT ACCESS INCLUDED     💼 TIGER MOM PREMIUM: +$49.99/MO    
AS SEEN
ON TV
ASIANS
LIMITED
TIME
OFFER!
⚠️ ATTENTION: THIS MESSAGE COULD CHANGE YOUR LIFE

ARE YOU MISSING
AN ASIAN?

Studies show that 94% of students who fail
don't have a single Asian in their friend group.

Your GPA is suffering. Your code doesn't compile. Your friend group has never eaten authentic ramen. Meanwhile, your neighbor Brad has an Asian and just got into Stanford. What does Brad know that you don't?

WAS $999/month
→
NOW ONLY $1999 per Asian / per day
RENT YOUR ASIAN NOW →

† Results may vary. Not responsible for grade inflation, parental pressure, or unauthorized piano performances. Tiger Mom Premium Package sold separately. Kevin not included in base tier.

Life is better with an Asian
ACTUAL CUSTOMER. RESULTS TYPICAL.
47,000+
ASIANS RENTED
4.9★
AVERAGE GPA AFTER
$2.1B
STARTUPS SOLD
0
DRIVING INCIDENTS*
THE CRISIS

WHAT YOUR LIFE
IS MISSING

Don't believe you need one? Ask yourself these hard questions.

THE PROCESS

3 EASY STEPS TO
TRANSFORMING YOUR LIFE

We've made it embarrassingly simple. Even you can do this.

1
📋
Fill out the form
STEP 01

TELL US YOUR DEFICIENCIES

Fill out our brief questionnaire about your current GPA, SAT scores, coding ability (none is fine), and how many times per week you eat at Applebee's. We don't judge. Much.

⏱ Takes 3 minutes
▶
2
🎯
We find your match
STEP 02

WE MATCH YOUR ASIAN

Our proprietary algorithm cross-references your specific life failures with our database of 47,000+ pre-vetted Asians. Math tutor? Coder? Foodie? Tiger parenting needed? We find your match.

⏱ Match in 24 hours
▶
3
🚀
Your life transforms
STEP 03

YOUR LIFE TRANSFORMS

Watch your GPA climb, your code compile, and your Instagram become entirely unrecognizable as you discover restaurants that require no English. Your parents will finally stop sighing.

⏱ Results in 30 days or money back
⚠️ FINE PRINT Asian cannot be used as designated driver. Tiger Mom Premium Package requires additional $49.99/month. Piano performances at family gatherings not covered under base tier. Results measured by GPA, not vibes. Asians4Sale LLC is not responsible for unsolicited academic pressure applied to your children by rented Asian.
PACKAGES

WHAT'S INCLUDED

✓ INCLUDED
✓

MATH & SCIENCE TUTORING

Calculus through Differential Equations. Physics. Chemistry. All of it. Unlimited sessions.

✓

24/7 CODING SUPPORT

Your Asian will debug your code while you sleep. Full-stack. Don't ask questions.

✓

SECRET RESTAURANT ACCESS

Locations not on Yelp. You will never eat at Cheesecake Factory again.

✓

SAT/GRE PREP

Guaranteed 200-point improvement. They've been studying since age 7.

✓

AMBIENT PIANO BACKGROUND

Available for dinner parties, study sessions, or general cultural status elevation.

✗ NOT AVAILABLE
✗

DESIGNATED DRIVER

We don't do that. We are very aware of the stereotype. We literally do not offer this.

✗

SPORTS PERFORMANCE COACHING

Please contact a different service for this. We can't help you.

✗

EMOTIONAL OPENNESS

Your rented Asian will not discuss their feelings. This is by design and non-negotiable.

SUCCESS STORIES

REAL RESULTS.
REAL PEOPLE.*

These are definitely real customers and not fabricated testimonials.

*Names changed. Results not typical. Kevin is his actual name. Kevin has reviewed and approved his testimonials. Kevin is very professional.

ACT
NOW!
DON'T WAIT

STOP SUFFERING.
RENT AN ASIAN TODAY.

The exam is tomorrow. The startup launch is Monday. The dinner party is Saturday. You are out of time.

WAS $999
/
TODAY ONLY $1999 /day
📞 CALL 1-800-GET-AZNS

Or fill out the online form. But calling feels more urgent and we like urgency.

100%
MONEY
BACK
THE ASIANS4SALE GUARANTEE
If you don't improve your GPA, ship better code, find a better restaurant, or feel measurably smarter within 30 days, we will refund every single penny. No questions asked.*
*Some questions will be asked. Specifically: "Did you actually use your rented Asian or just leave them in the lobby?"